The Little Engine...

Remember The Little Engine That Could? The inspirational tale of the determined train who set aside self-doubt to overcome obstacles and achieve great things?

Prepare yourselves, because I'm about to drop some knowledge: an important trait of Hipster Douches is that as children, their loving parents read them The Little Engine That Could one too many times. The Hipster Douche truly believes that he is destined for greatness. Oh, he wears the cloak of aloof indifference better than anyone, but don't be fooled. Underneath the layers of cynicism is a little engine who believes. So he packs up his things and moves to Williamsburg, muttering "I think I can! I think I can!" under his breath, certain that he can, in fact, become the tortured, misunderstood artist he was meant to be.

The problem? With a few exceptions, most Hipster Douches not only can't, but shouldn't. And it really begs the question: don't these idiots have a friend - just ONE friend - who cares enough about them to be like "dude, don't do that. You're embarrassing yourself"? Apparently not.

Here, for your viewing pleasure, is a prime example of a little engine that really, truly shouldn't.



This brilliant genius of a man is a classically trained composer and multi instrumentalist (allegedly!) based in Frankfurt, Buenos Aires, NYC (obviously!) and sometimes Toronto. His name is Philip Kurt Kressin, though he prefers it if you call him KIRT. I don't know where he came from or what exactly it is he thinks he's doing here, but the Windows Media Player-style background effects are not helping his case. Neither is:

• the hair (who does he think he is, Justin Bieber?)

• everything else. Seriously, what the hell is this?

This is the kind of thing that probably makes a lot more sense if you're on acid. But given that I am, at this exact moment in time, not on acid, I have some questions for Mr Kirt:

1. the thing with the limbs, is that a dance? Cerebral palsy? I don't understand.
2. "OUR BLACKENED SOULS WANT TO SHINE AGAIN"?! What does that even mean?
3. "Kirt," really? That was the best you could do?
4. Why? Why why why?!